Every time I find myself single and back out on the dating scene I’m constantly bewildered by how much has changed, or shall I say digressed, from my last round. My married friends mention in passing how they miss dating, though perhaps since I’ve always been on this roller coaster, the thought of dating sounds dreadful. Sure, is being courted by multiple men all vying for your attention and time exciting, yes. Though it comes with its own set of drama.
It seems like the dating game has turned into a serious of – he likes me, but I’m not into him or I like him, but he’s not into me. Or there’s the ones that seem like maybe it’s mutual, but then you get ghosted and aren’t really sure what happened. Sometimes the rejection comes from you and they get sent your ever so sweet ‘it’s not a fit but all the best’ text. Either way, in the end, you’re still going back out there, swiping right, swiping left, meeting randoms in real life, getting setup by friends, and so forth.
QUANTITY VS QUALITY
What’s funny is that in this day and age it’s seems less about the quantity. There’s plenty of volume for sure. They used to say it’s a numbers game, you just need to meet enough frogs before you find your prince. Though perhaps we’ve taken it too far, too much volume. It’s endless. We can swipe right and left for hours, for days, for weeks, and there’s still more to swipe through. The sea of fish is so vast. Some of the fish are real, some are fake, and most are nothing we’d ever want to experience. What we’re missing is quality.
Come on lines have turned into two letters – “hi”. An expression that is neither a conversation starter nor intriguing. Left we swipe. In real life, we finally meet that guy. The one that we seem to click with, the one we feel we’ve been weeding out frogs for in hopes to finally stumble upon. Then it happens, we find ourselves so overwhelmed with actually liking a guy, we try too hard to not be too cool or too interested when our overly inauthentic attempts just come across as weird leading to the end. If we’re lucky he’ll be a good guy, and text us he’s not interested. Though normally we’ll get ghosted, never really knowing if hope is lost, stuck on the hook, wondering if the game is still happening or not.
Ghosting has to be my least favorite dating invention. Perhaps it’s always existed in some form, though I didn’t experience being ghosted until I moved to New York City five years ago where ghosting was the norm, the go-to for both men and women. Closure was a thing of the past, everyone was actively on the pursuit of new and better fish, quickly discarding the one from last week for whatever shiny object bumped into them this week. Never letting you go completely so that the door could stay open to future fish hooks. The kind that just leave you thinking it’s more than it is or ever will be.
MYERS-BRIGGS TO THE RESCUE
I’ve found myself even more focused on Myers-Briggs (MBTI) as a form of helping me narrow down compatible mates. Trying to profile guys to catch the potential incompatibilities early on. As an INTJ, we crunch data, we don’t even have to think about it, it runs in the background of our lives at all times about all things. Needless to say, over time I’ve narrowed down which MBTI types I click with and which I don’t and why. For the most part this works, that is, until I’m super into a guy, then my ability to accurately profile him goes out the window as I put them on this pedestal.
So if you’re a fellow INTJ-A and you’re wondering what might be compatible, here’s what I’ve found:
Extravert vs Introvert
I’ve found both are just fine as long as they aren’t super far in either direction. I’d probably lean a little more on preferring Extroverts as it makes avoiding awkward social interactions easier, they don’t mind taking them head on allowing me to step back which I love.
Sensing vs iNtuitive
Being pretty far down the Intuitive spectrum, I’ve found not having the N in common is very difficult for me to connect. They want to talk about their day-to-day and I want to talk about the future or random theories. Conversations aren’t easy and I typically leave exhausted versus engaged.
Thinking vs Feeling
My preference is to date thinking men as I find it much easier to respect them. Logic and reason, rational thinking, is often quite a turn on. Feeling paired with Turbulent is a recipe for disaster for me, the constant insecurity and ego stroking is too difficult. It’s hard for me to understand and connect with.
Judging vs Perceiving
I prefer fellow J’s – we both like structure, order and rules. I’m not opposed to Ps, unless their lack of regard for rules leads them to compromised integrity. I’ve also found Turbulent J’s can be challenging as their insecurity paired with quick judgements can lead to many misunderstandings and blame games.
Turbulent vs Assertive
For me, I score high on the assertive spectrum so the turbulent’s drama, insecurity, need to prove themselves constantly, ego stroking, is all too much. I don’t understand the mindset and struggle respecting it. I’ve found it much easier to date assertives, that is if you can find them.
Of course it’s hard to say everyone fits neatly into the 16 personalities (x 2 for the identity), though it’s at least a semi-decent support aide in trying to catch the red flags early on. I’m a firm believer if you’ve got a good mindset pair, everything else becomes trivial and easily maneuvered around.
Hope that helps!