How to spot the INTJ Female…

As we each seek to find our ‘ideal’ Myer’s Briggs match, if yours is the INTJ female and you’ve stumbled on this blog in an attempt to help, let me see if I can try.  It’s important to note that I can count all the INTJ females I know on one hand (they aren’t very common), so the sample size for this is small, but it’s at least something to reference.


Of course there are exceptions, but generally speaking…


  1. Hair – will likely be a traditional cut, something easy to maintain, that took minimal prep (so not the dyed hair, done-up look)
  2. Make-up – none or if any, a light natural look (so not the red lips, super model look)
  3. Face – will likely be in resting face, eyes reading any data in sight (so not giddy smiley or making flirty winking eye contact)
  4. Clothes – comfortable, if nice it’s probably still comfortable nice, unlikely to see vivid colors or prints (so that flashy, straight out of catalogue gal, ya not us)
  5. Shoes – comfortable, if heels it’s probably still comfortable, likely a basic color (so those super high stilettos or bright leopard print heels, not us)


Out and about (alone) – We’re comfortable with alone so unlikely to hide ourselves in our cell phone or start up a conversation with the person next to us, it’s probably the gal chilling by herself perplexed in thought

Out and about (restaurant) – We’re super focused people, so chances are we’re the lady who’s making eye contact only with the friend who is speaking, not glancing the room to seek out eye contact and possible flirtatious encounters, we’re likely to be completely in the conversation

Out and about (bar scene) – We tend to enjoy blending in/disappearing which means we often attract friends who enjoy being the center of the action without any competition, so look for the gal whose friend is getting all the attention and she’s slowly shrinking into the back corner in complete disinterest for the guys that are attracted to the excitement, we love our friends, but we’re interested in very different guys


Along with how to spot an INTJ comes how to actually approach her once you find her and that my friend can be a tricky thing.  Tricky because we’re highly selective, we’re less excited by general flattery and if we accept your flirting invitation there’s a huge chance it means you’ve passed the first threshold, so if that happens, even if you’re not feeling the giggly hair tossing reassurance your normally get, consider yourself in.

I’d recommend laying off the cheesy pick-up lines unless you’re making a satire over it. An INTJ female adores a witty man. Confidence is huge, but cocky is a major turnoff. Difference – confidence is still making eye contact while being sure of yourself in your speaking and demeanor. Cocky is checking the room out while you’re talking to us and acting like you could care less. Cocky doesn’t inspire us to win you over, it inspires us to walk the other way.  She’s looking for a strong man who’s not afraid to take a risk for love, which means she’s far more likely to evaluate your advances than make her own. If an INTJ female hits on you, it’s a rare moment and time almost stood still so grab on tight and enjoy the ride!

As you’re considering approaching the INTJ female, being courageous enough to make the first move, regardless of outcome, is impressive and even if it doesn’t turn out, the fact you asked/approached is awesome.



5 thoughts on “How to spot the INTJ Female…

  1. I am probably the most extreme INTJ female you will ever meet, and you’ve captured me perfectly here. I’ve never worn makeup in my life and, as a 30 year old, I don’t ever plan to start.

    Makeup is such a frivolous pursuit and a huge waste of time (isn’t it easier to just look like yourself, rather then slather yourself in so many cosmetics that nobody recognizes you on your days off? This literally happened to me so many times. I meet up with a female friend on Saturday, and I walk right past them, because they look like a totally different person!).

    I think fashion in general is something I’ve never been interested in, because (to my mind) it is seems to be the one hobby that women HAVE to love. Society wants women to spend 8 hours a day primping, and focus on their makeup, hair, shoes and accessories (instead of world hunger or climate change). And yes, some people are probably rolling their eyes right now and saying that you can do both.

    But the way I see it, there are only 24 hours in a day, and if you spend a quarter of that time dedicated to a hobby that encourages vanity (thinking about your physical appearance, worrying about wrinkles, fretting about how you appear to others, spending an hour deciding what to wear, or spending time to look good for a selfie) then you have spent TOO much time worried about YOUR superficial things (I.e. your physical appearance).

    If we’re going by stereotypes here (a typical man loves sports, a typical woman is into fashion, obviously not true in all cases, but still the norm in terms of people I meet, at least), then men’s obsession with sports teaches them discipline, physical fitness, teamwork, ambition (and yes, in the case of those who only play to be the best, vanity as well). And by large, other hobbies (sports, dance, playing a musical instrument, crafting, drawing, writing) encourage in individual to pour themselves into learning skills.

    But learning how to put on makeup, to me, will never be a creative hobby on par with other hobbies because (unless you’re a makeup artist and you us other people as a canvas) it encourages girls to think about how they look to others all the damn time. Not how smart they are, how creative, how resilient, how innovative. Just how they physically look. I can see this happening already in my friend’s daughter. He mother is quite fashionable, and can spend hours getting ready for a big event. Her daughter (she was only four then) had closets bulging with nail polish and makeup kits. She changes her outfits three times a day. Anytime we leave the house, it takes her a full hour to get ready (even if we’re just going to the grocery store, or to run errands!). This little girl (now 7) goes on spa days with her friends (spa days! She’s not even reached double digits). If I hadn’t gone with them, and seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it. And yes, my friend is wealthy (and is clearly using her privilege to foster an extreme lifestyle) but girls in school seem to be getting into fashion and these sorts of things at an earlier age then ever!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I enjoyed this. I usually don’t wear makeup out but I LOVE wearing making at home LOL! It gives me the freedom to try bold looks that I would never wear outside. Weird I know. Story of my life.


  3. Hi Sara, I break most of the rules you have outlined for dress and behavior, and at first that startled me. I think I have learned to camouflage and adapt to my surroundings, at times, being a real smart ass about the requirements I feel it places on me. I like loud prints, and was accused once of being “aggressive” in my clothing choices. After thinking it over, I realized I was trying to intimidate, to reduce small talk, and the pointless interaction of social conformity. They were always comfortable, though. :) I used to wear make up, but have stopped over the last couple of years, preferring additional sleep time instead. Even as I say that, I can see circumstances in my future where I will wear make up again. I am still an INTJ, but I got tired of trying to explain how and why I think and feel the way I do. Now, I focus on appearing to be one of the hive as much as possible and leave my true nature to the posting of message boards from home. :) I admire the chutzpah of your writing about being in INTJ, and look forward to more of your thoughts.


  4. Hello Sara,

    Interesting article, I am female INTJ myself, yes most of your point are spot on, but I can’t agreed with you about the make up, sometime I put my red lipstick on, but the reason behind it, it is just I wanna do what I want to do, and I still put that blank face on. Sometime I also wear red bright dress, not to draw attention but I just feel strong with that colour, even mostly I got this monocrome colour in my closet.

    Liked by 1 person

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