Let’s face it, he’s not into you…

The beginning of relationships is usually a little interesting as you each dance through the investigatory process in your own way.  Some dive in immediately and ask deep questions (e.g. INTJ’s) and others start with fun experiences (e.g. ENFPs) or a myriad of other approaches. In any case, there are times it blossoms into amazingness and times where it leaves you constantly wondering – ‘does he like me?’.


It’s inevitable that there will be those times where either you’re not that into them or they’re not that into you. Usually these break apart before they turn into relationships, but there are those times where it goes further. Maybe because of where you/he is at in life, in dating, after a divorce, or maybe there’s hope stronger feelings will blossom over time. Regardless of the reason, it happens.

It’s obviously easier when you’re on the ‘not that into them’ side of the equation, but what if you’re in the less desirable seat? In these instances, I’ve found myself consoling Greg and Liz’s book “He’s Just Not That Into You” trying to decipher the guy’s unusual behavior in hopes of finding some clue that it might not be true. Though I will admit, every time I’ve wondered (luckily not that many!), it’s because my instincts saw what I didn’t want to admit – it was my turn, he wasn’t that into me.

Although the majority of my relationships were based in mutual desire and interest, the times that resulted in lack of interest showed many of the same early indicators.  So what were some of them?

  1. They stop texting as often – they may say they are busy, but when they’re with you they make time to text others so you know they can text when they’re busy
  1. They say no more than they say yes – you invite them to meet your friends, no, to meet your family, no, to go to a work party, no, etc.
  1. They say they want to see you but everything has to be on their terms – you come to them, it happens when it’s convenient for them regardless of concern for your schedule, etc.
  1. You find yourself paying for more than your share – with the no’s of #2, you’ve found they’ll say yes if you pay (or subsidize) and do all the work and they get to just come along for the ride
  1. When you really need them, they are nowhere to be found

Then there’s the times they disappear and are unaccounted for, the fishy stories that don’t add up, or the slips that indicate you’re not the only one they’re with.  In other words, they show no sign of commitment or investment in the relationship.  If you push back on any of it, they’ll either turn into the master excuse guru or flip it around to be something wrong with you.  As soon as you need them, really need them, they are either unexpectedly busy or started a fight to deflect their lack of desire to be there for you.

I’m a firm believer if we’re asking the question ‘does he want me’, chances are we already know the answer. Sure, this isn’t foolproof as everyone shows interest in different ways, though generally speaking these are some pretty clear signs if he’s not investing, he’s probably not that into you.  It’s not personal, we just can’t be compatible with everyone, it’s not possible (which is actually a good thing!).

If you’re still in doubt, maybe try asking him, if he is into you, it may spur him to step up his game and really court you, showing he is interested.  Because when a guy is interested there is usually no doubt how he feels because he makes it known – not just to you, but to his friends and family, along with anyone that might be a risk to snatching you up. Guys are lousy at hiding this sort of thing, if they are into you, you know it. You see it in how they look at you, how they talk to you, how they touch you, how they treat you.

No one said dating was easy, though taking the approach of narrowing in and investing in the guys that show you they care could help on the path to finding the guys with real potential of becoming that someone special.


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