I Hate That I Love You…

Is it just me or is that song by Gnash a love hate relationship? It touches so close to home that it draws out emotions that you’d really just prefer to avoid. Which brings us to that whole breakup topic right? It seems there’s always the one that gets over it quickly and the one that doesn’t. Of course when you’re on the side of moving on, life is good, it’s as if the person is a distant memory even if only a week or two has passed. Though when you’re on the other side of the equation, the one that still can’t seem to move on, it’s like nothing else.

Every song is like an emotional journey of why do I still feel like this? Why are all songs about love and loss anyway? You know without a doubt the person and you are not right, obviously, otherwise you’d still be together, though you can’t seem to convince your heart of this. Your head is fully aware, squared away in reality, but that darn heart, it seems to have missed the memo. It keeps telling you things like ‘maybe it could be different’ ‘maybe he’ll reach out’ ‘maybe he misses you’ but you know even if he did, it wouldn’t be right, you weren’t right.

It’s funny, as an INTJ, there are very few things that take me off my ‘T – thinking’ rocker and start veering me toward the ‘F – feeling’ spectrum, and oh goodness, it’s such foreign territory it’s like I have no idea what to do with it. The heart is tugging and pulling with all it’s might in a direction that my thinking / rational side clearly knows is wrong, toxic, and incorrect in any equation of logic. Though breakups do that, it takes a solid ‘T’ through a roller coaster of emotions that defy all normal ‘T’ processes. The analytics don’t work, the methodologies don’t work, no matter how hard the ‘T’ gets into its deep thinking processes, there’s no going up against the level of emotion that breakups bring. It’s a lost cause.

Most ‘T’s we stay our cool, we have a plan for everything, we’ve thought twenty steps ahead, we’ve got this covered. Though when someone comes in and steals our heart, squashes it to pieces, and leaves abruptly, it leaves us baffled and confused. Constantly fighting our heart as our brain knows the correct answer to this equation, to what we should do and think, but no matter how hard we try, the heart always wins.

The Gnash song goes ‘I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you’ and it couldn’t resonate more. It’s a conflicting of logic and emotion. You know without a doubt you are wrong with this person, you hate how they treated you, but your heart fell in love, damn heart. Here you are, a few days or a few weeks or maybe even months later and you are still fighting this. You’ve been in the other shoes before, the one that moves on quickly, so you have full realization you’re alone in this, the other person is out enjoying their new life and you’re a distant memory. Is it that knowledge that feeds the difficulty of moving on?

I think the important thing to hold on to is the knowledge the relationship was wrong. If you’re conflicted, if you’re broken up, it’s over. If you’re meant to be with the person, move on, they’ll come back if it’s right. If it’s not right, you’ve got to find new memories, when they come to mind, remember the reason you’re not together, and there is a reason, they weren’t perfect, embrace that and know that there will be another, even better.

That’s the great thing right, if you’ve had some really good relationships you’ll know that each one only gets better. Each one teaches you what you need, what you don’t need, and how to be the best you despite whoever they bring to the table. That love is all about compromise, it’s about letting the little things slide and focusing on the big things – do they lie? do they cheat? are they mean? At the end of the day, it’s all about being with a good person who considers you and as one my friend’s stated “has well-placed values”.

If you’re in the process of trying to get over that someone, focusing on the future helps. Anytime they come to mind, push it away. Soon there will be someone new and they will be a distant memory. Don’t let the fact that they got over you sooner bother you, just remember we each take turns in relationships. Sometimes we’re the ones that cared more, or cared less, or walked away, or pined for more. We each get the fun of these roles, you can’t avoid them, if you’re in the painful seat this time, try to remember it’s just part of the process of finding that wonderful forever person. They will come. It always happens, maybe not on your timeline, but it will happen. Don’t give up. You deserve not to give up.



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