A few weeks ago I did a post on narrowing down to three traits for your lifetime love partner. At the time I was only a couple weeks out of serious relationship and so as I initially thought of my three traits they were a bit skewed given the emotional state I was in at the time. As many weeks have passed and I’ve had a chance to fully clear my mind and think back to my prior relationships – what worked and what didn’t work – it became evident. There were three things I could pin point to why each of them did not work. What are those three? The first is capable. The second is considerate. The third is curious. I put them in that order on purpose as capable is the least likely for me to compromise on, considerate second and curious third. This assumes the foundation that he’s not an asshole and we’re both attracted to each other.
If I break them down one by one – what do I mean by capable. Sure everyone is capable in some regard right. So when I’m saying someone isn’t, what exactly do I mean. Really for me it’s that I can count on the guy. I can count on him to protect me. I can count on him to get stuff done when he says he will. I can count on him to do stuff adequately so I don’t have to redo it for him. In other words when the sprinklers need fixing, it’s not me doing it, it’s him. When the kids need lunches made, I’m not the only one capable of this task. That he’s a true partner. That both of us are completely competent to run an entire household – fixing things, bringing in the money, caring for the kids, etc. – but that we can split the duties and count on the other to get stuff done. It’s that simple. I want a guy I can count on. One that isn’t stuck on that’s a woman’s task or that’s a man’s task – but more, we have a household to run, I can do this, you can do that, regardless of gender, we’re in it for the whole. That he’s man enough to do any task without feeling emasculated, he’s stronger than that.
The second is considerate. This is clearly a super broad request of a person so what exactly do I mean by it. For start this rules out cheating, as that’s inconsiderate. This rules out lying, as that’s inconsiderate. This rules out passive aggressive behaviors, as that’s inconsiderate. This rules out indirectness, as that’s inconsiderate. Pretty much someone who cares about me and the relationship more than themselves, that’s going to take the time to consider what’s best for us against all the options out there. Someone I can count on to care about me without having to ask – hello? Don’t forget about me!! No one likes to have to say that. Someone who is upfront and honest and doesn’t beat around the bush, they are strong enough to confront their issues in a non-emotional way, that doesn’t leave me any guess work on what they are really trying to say, they actually just say what they mean and mean what they say. I can count on them. I can trust them.
The third one is curious. This is really more pure compatibility. The first two are character traits I just have zero tolerance for the lack of. I recognize no one is looking for an inconsiderate incapable person, but to be real, there are many people who are happy being the capable one and their person being more dependent/submissive. I’m not that person. Likewise, there’s many people who are more flexible with passive aggressiveness or white lies because they exhibit those traits and as such are more open to the same from their partners, they almost expect it because they view it as normal. For me, it’s not normal, it’s lying and destructive.
So curious, well if we look at the conversation the two guys had behind me the other night at dinner in Tallinn, the one where they were dissecting how candles could be made, and why Great Briton is called Great versus just Briton. That was a curiosity explosion. Someone who is constantly wondering what makes the world tick. I recognize many people would say they are curious, but what I’m talking about here is a lifestyle of curiosity. Someone that is driven by their curiosity, like a cat that sees a shiny object down an alley and is compelled to go see what it is. Like a person that during dinner brings up a topic of interest and sneaks off to the bathroom simply to Google search more about it because they are fascinated with life, fascinated with why we’re here, how people think, why things happen the way they do. These are the people whom which I can spend hours and hours talking too, until the wee hours of the morning when it feels like only moments have passed. That this introvert won’t feel an once of exhaustion because the conversation is so riveting it’s like heaven. That’s the guy I want to go to bed to every night.
Now my biggest quandary is I know these guys are out there. Is it that they are all married at this point? Is it that they aren’t looking for the INTJ woman? Or is it that they didn’t realize the INTJ woman even exists? Hard to say. I will say, every man I’ve dated has exhibited two of the three traits in different combinations. My friends joke that I’ll know I’ll have found the one when I love them like I love United Airlines. Haha! (See my blog on why I love United) Meaning, when United delays me or does something the average person would get super upset by, I roll with it. Because I love them and I know that 90% of the time they take care of me so the 10% they don’t, well they are human too. I’ll defend United to the core. Really, try me – there’s no shaking that loyalty.
More to come on that journey, but for now, I’m focused on my trip around the world. Heading East and East and East until I come home again. Pretty cool stuff. Feeling blessed and hope you’re all enjoying vicariously the experiences!