Dating an INTJ female…

There are a lot of articles that talk about what it’s like to date an INTJ. So does that mean everyone needs a roadmap to understand us? Maybe! Haha!  Anyhow, although there is variability in any Myer’s Briggs type, there are a lot of truths to the differences between dating an INTJ and other types.  I can’t speak for the fellows, so this blog is more centered around what it’s like to date a female INTJ.


Likely the first thing the guy will notice is that he has no clue if she likes him or not.  He’ll be interested, doing all the things to get her attention, but she’s not giving him any of the signs the other girls give.  In the early stages of dating, an INTJ woman is focused on determining if HE is a match for HER.  She’s not concerned if the guy is interested, she’s certain if he is he’ll keep pursuing and if he’s not, he’ll stop but that’s on him to figure out as she’s too busy deciding if he’s right for her.  She doesn’t take it personal if he bows out, not all people are a match, though she will expect him to be direct about it (which leaves the disappearing boys being viewed as cowardly and quickly determined as not suitable for a resurface down the road).  Though fellows be aware, the INTJ female will typically be direct and not leaving any question if her assessment has resulted in a fail, it will be a polite ‘this has been fun, but we’re not a fit, wish you the best!’.

If the guy makes it past the first few dates, it means the INTJ woman sees potential which kicks off the next month or so (sometimes more!) of analysis mode.  INTJs are super open minded, so this phase isn’t about passing judgement on the other person, it’s about assessing compatibility.  The other thing about INTJs is they are less bothered by superficial things like what he wears, what he does for a living, does he have straight teeth, or other tangible things.  An INTJ is typically focused on character assessment, the intangible things – values family, integrity, openness, down to earth, etc.  It’s important to note INTJ women value intelligence above all else, so that’s the first criteria, if that milestone isn’t met early on, the guy will quickly get his walking papers.  INTJ women don’t date to just date or because no one better has come around, they don’t get lonely or just need to have someone to do stuff with, for an INTJ dating is a serious thing – it’s about finding “the” relationship. Which typically means they are either single, dating to find a match, or in a relationship.  It’s highly unlikely you’ll find an INTJ female casually dating or ‘just having fun’. We do fun, but to us, that’s not how we define fun.

It’s probably important to also know that because an INTJ woman is focused on assessing the guy’s compatibility, she’s typically not doing any of the normal things women are trained to do in the early phases.  She’s not trying to get him to like her, she’s not wondering if he likes her, she’s not trying to make him happy or give him a positive date experience.  Not to say dating an INTJ woman isn’t fun and exciting, it typically is very engaging because of the pure authenticity she brings – what you see is what you get.  She doesn’t subscribe to ‘people put their best foot forward the first few months’ – which means, she’ll hold the guy to that standard as well.  She’ll expect he’s being honest and authentic from the get go.

Why I focus on this phase so much is that this is typically the make or break phase.  If the guy has stayed with it for the assessment period, which can often be a very vulnerable time for him because the INTJ woman is not providing the typical assurances of kissing face emoticons, escalation points, and ecstatic greetings.  She’s cautious and treads slowly until she’s decided he’s a suitable match.  Though once that happens, she’s his completely. That’s when the kissing face emoticons come out – if you get one of these from an INTJ female you can be certain you’ve won her over. She does not hand these out lightly.

It’s not to say there’s not exceptions out there, but INTJ women by nature aren’t going to cheat.  Once they’ve decided this guy is the one, it’s pretty much locked in stone in her head until the day they break up for good.  It’s not up for negotiation.  It doesn’t waiver during fights.  The radar for other men is completely gone. She doesn’t even get tempted.  A guy could flirt with an INTJ woman in love and she probably won’t even notice.  If he makes a move, he’ll wish the INTJ woman was better acquainted with the standard female response of flattery, however, being hit on by a random guy is not typically seen as flattery to her as she’s not interested in reassurance on superficial attributes.  She not only knows her worth, but nothing on earth is going to make her waiver from her man. The INTJ woman is loyal to the end at a level most people cannot understand.

One of the other things I’ve found interesting about the INTJ woman is that she’s typically opposite when it comes to showing her best side.  Whereas many people do this in the beginning by wearing the cutest outfits, the sexiest lingerie, going to the gym all the time, etc., the INTJ woman is typically only going to invest at these levels if she’s decided this guy is a keeper, which mind you is often months down the road.  Which can be super confusing for some men, but also a great filtering mechanism for the INTJ woman.  A man that doesn’t stay through that phase is typically not open minded enough to be with her anyways so it’s all good.

The short of it is, dating the INTJ female is one of those things that only gets better with time.  Not only is she super focused on self-improvement and relationship improvement, the more she falls in love with the guy, the more investments she’ll make in herself and the relationship to keep it happy and successful.  So fellows, if your INTJ woman has told you she loves you or that she finds your mind sexy, hold on tight you’re a lucky man! Those are probably the two rarest and prized things she’ll hand out.



12 thoughts on “Dating an INTJ female…

  1. I am happy I found your blog. I have two INTJ brothers and two ENTJ brothers and always thought my characteristics were just more masculine to explain why growing up most people found me robotic and odd compared to my bubbly female classmates. When I first took the Meyers-Briggs assessment, clarity emerged and I began to understand others and no longer found myself alone among females. I still have yet to find another INTJ female in person, but reading all your posts help me know that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to socialize or crave men’s attention. Every post you have defines me to a tee. Scary really, that I’m not as odd as I have been led to believe. Thanks again.


    1. This is one of the best lamans terms description and tip for the guy who dates me I’ve ever read. Especially the part about getting better with time. Thank you for this!!


    2. Check out the bookstores. She’ll be the one opening the book and smelling it.

      Honestly though, what is your purpose? Are you looking for a friend? A partner? A thinking buddy? New Zealand is not as populated, but with 5 million people, there are women the who can fill any of those needs. If you don’t like this response, ask yourself if you really do want to meet an INTJ.

      If you are looking for an INTJ female, look for the woman who is comfortable being alone, is logistically minded, and will not understand you are flirting with her until she reflects later. She will analyze your conversation, your responses, and perhaps even your body language. Prepare to feel judged even though she really is just trying to figure you out. If you are not confident in yourself, you will not be worth her time.

      If this response was to long for you, question again if an INTJ female is a good fit for you. We love to go deep into analysis and theory, and hold long conversations.


  2. So true! I often wondered how people just date for fun because I can’t. This is so accurate. It’s great to know I am not the only one.


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  4. Ah.. this describing me so muchh, I am happily married now with my old friend, when he proposed me out of nothing not even we are in relationship, I was impress with his bravery, but it took me almost 3 month to say yes by assessing a lot of things. And before that I was just stay single and didn’t bother to enter any dating area, even though there are 2-3 that went out with me, but I was never consider it as dating, that i know clearly for one them that was pain in the ass haha. Reading this really bring some old memories that make me smile


  5. I just stumbled across this and read it with my partner (possibly an ISTJ) of 12 years…a hilariously spot-on retelling of our early courtship!

    This part was interesting: “In the early stages of dating, an INTJ woman is focused on determining if HE is a match for HER. She’s not concerned if the guy is interested”. That is certainly how I used to approach dating and didn’t realise it until reading this article. I’ll just be over here being ‘me’. If you like that, cool. If not, that’s cool too, I’m not offended. I feel zero obligation to try and ‘make’ you like me…either you do or you don’t!

    And also, I tell my man I love him and he has a sexy brain all the time. He’s a keeper :)

    Liked by 1 person

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