To love or not to love…

Isn’t it funny how when we try to move on after a relationship, it seems almost every song that comes on Pandora totally relates to what we are going through. All of the sudden it’s like Eminem or Riana become the people that truly understand our pain. Haha or maybe it’s a sign it’s time for a new playlist!

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This morning Kanye West’s “Heartless” came on… It rang so true… “Why would you be so mad at me for? Homie I don’t know [he] hot and cold”. If you’ve ever dated someone like that, you know what I’m talking about. One minute they are loving, warm as can be, the next they’ve freaked out they’re getting too close and they turn cold and push you away as hard as they can.  Anything to avoid the vulnerability.  Anything to avoid that one day you might hurt them. Why are some people so afraid of getting hurt? It’s like this unconscious compulsion to push when scared, like they can’t help it, like they can’t even see what they’re doing. It’s so ingrained, the fear, the nervousness. It just makes me not like whoever hurt them so bad to break them like that. How can they ever find good love if they can’t go all in?

The song goes on “You run and tell your friends that you’re leaving me, They say that they don’t see what you see in me”. So why, why do we share this stuff?  We love the guy more than anything, but after bottling up what isn’t working for too long, eventually it comes out.  We tell our friends how in love we are, how he’s the one, and then at some point it comes out, our bottled up frustration on some bad behaviors. Are they deal-breakers, we want our friends opinions. Are they things we can work around, again, maybe our friends have ideas. We desperately reach out in hope for answers, for solutions, for support. Though it’s a lot to ask of a friend, they want the very best for us, but sharing some of the trouble spots can often make friends see our guy in a bad light, which is a total backfire. So how do we get advice and support without the backfire? Who knows. Maybe as friends we need to be better at not judging as much, at supporting and realizing another friend’s warning signs may not be ours, and we don’t know the big picture, or how they prioritize what partner traits are important.  At the end of the day, if we trust what our gut is telling us, we usually know what to do.

In the second verse he calls out “How could you be so Dr. Evil? You bringing out a side of me that I don’t know”. Have you ever experienced that? It’s wild. There are people that do things that push us to our limits, limits we didn’t know we had. We try to bite our tongues as long as we can, hours, days, months, years, we try to be supportive, but they are so unreasonable, so irrational, at a certain point we break. Maybe they were verbally attacking, or maybe it got physical, but after endless amounts of enduring, it was just too much. That’s when we see a side of us that we never saw before, a side that is firmer than ever knew we had in us or more submissive than we’d ever liked to have been.  Ultimately, it’s in those times we know, something has to give, this other side isn’t sustainable.

What they say about different people bring out different sides of us feels so true.  I think the important thing to see is how we are with most people, how we are in most relationships.  It’s the trying ones where we feel we let someone push us to our limits or where we allowed our emotions to get the best of us, it’s in those ones that we learn it takes an enormous amount of self-control to always take the high road.  However, what pains me the most, is the women who leave an unhealthy relationship saying “why didn’t the guy that treated me badly not love me” “what’s wrong with me” “am I unlovable”. First, his issues are not about you, they never were. Second, no one gets to judge if you are lovable or not so don’t give him or anyone. Third, of course you are lovable, how is that even in question.

I’m a firm believer the more you love, the more lovable you will become. Embrace love, believe in it, live by it, cherish it, life can only get better!

Cheers,
Sara

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